Posted by: nflanders | July 21, 2008

Everything is wrong

I’ve taken a little break from the Disaffected Mormon Underground for the last couple months. I still check the Foyer occasionally, monitor my site to make sure no one has left an unanswered comment here, and keep up with Wry and Craig, but that’s about it. The result? Well, I’ve probably read more books in the last few months than in the previous year. I’ve also been busy rehabilitating a room in my house for me to move all my junk into (the baby is taking my fortress of solitude!). I still have a lot of work to do on the room; the baby, not so much. I’d better hurry.

Anyway, to ease my transition back into blogging, I thought I’d start with Wry’s recent meme, since I can’t resist memes.

Simple meme of 50 questions and answers.
1. What do you add to your coffee? I can’t stand the taste of coffee. Or tea. Blame Heber J. Grant or something. I can drink tea if I empty half the sugar bowl into it. And then, still with an occasional grimace.

2. What are you reading now? I just finished Atmospheric Disturbances by Rivka Galchen. I love, love, loved this book. And not because it is partly set in Argentina or because the author photo looks like Evangeline Lilly. I don’t even like Evangeline Lilly, so there. Sadly, the book (about a psychiatrist who is having a psychotic break, but doesn’t realize it) reminded me a lot of myself.

3. Do you own a gun? No. I always wanted one since I enjoy shooting at a range, but it’s never been worth the hassle. Now that I am having a kid, definitely not.

4. Are you registered to vote? Yes. But I never bother to vote for anything lower than congressperson. I’m probably going to move eventually, so why bother with selectmen or women or city council people?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? It depends. If it’s a normal, no-injection visit, then of course not. If I’m scheduled for, you know, taint surgery, then yeah. Quite a bit.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Good at ballparks, not so good at home in the microwave. I always want to get the footlong hotdog and 20 oz. drink at Costco for $1.50, but there’s always about ten people waiting on line to get the exact same thing. 

7. Favorite Christmas Song? “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” It sounds very dark for a Christmas song. Very nice.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? I would prefer soda, but now I usually have a bottle of Poland Spring. You know, so I’ll live five minutes longer.

9. Can you do push ups? Yes. How many? Probably not more than 15. It’s been a while.

10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, this is a very subjective question, isn’t it? What counts as a girlfriend?

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery? I don’t particularly like jewelry, but I suppose I’d better say wedding ring, right?

12. Favorite hobby? Reading.

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Funny. I think I’m on probation, if that answers the question.

14. Do you have ADD? Probably. See probationary status at work above.

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? Lack of initiative.

16. What’s your Middle name? I’m not sure Nedward Flanders has a middle name. Google came up empty.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m afraid my cat will have scratched his ear off by morning.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. A new toothbrush. Flouride rinse. Deodorant. Hey, you asked.

19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi, Poland Spring, eh, that’s it.

20. Current worry right now? See cat above.

21. What side do you dress to? I have no idea what this even means.

22. Favorite place to be? Bookstore.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? I was washing dishes. My wife was asleep. Party.

24. Where would you like to go? Scandinavia, Russia, Western Isles.

25. Name three people who will complete this. Good question.

26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? See above.

27. What color shirt are you wearing? White.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Sounds vaguely sleazy. So no.

29. Can you whistle? Not at all. And not for lack of trying. I’ve given up.

30. Favorite colors(s)? Navy blue.

31. Could you be a pirate? Are you asking if I’ll kill people for money and goods? No. Maybe for spite. Is a spite-rate a thing?

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Top 40.

33. Favorite girls name? Charlotte.

34. Favorite boy’s name? Thomas.

35. What’s in your pocket right now? Nothing. I’m at home.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? The Colbert Report.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? Weird question. I remember being awfully fond of some “Return of the Jedi” sheets. Although I do suspect that my father liked Star Wars more than I did.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? My sister hit me in the head with a baseball bat.

39. Do you love where you live? No, not at all.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3.

41. Who is your loudest friend? I don’t think I have one.

42. How many dogs do you have? No dogs. I can barely take care of a cat.

43. Does anyone have a crush on you? If they do, they should be in therapy. How would one know anyway? Another odd question.

44. What are the most fun things you ever did? Went to Easter Island.

45. What are your favorite books? Crime and Punishment; Jane Eyre; The Magic Mountain; Edgar Huntly; El Juguete Rabioso

46. What is your favorite candy? Raisinets.

47. Favorite Team? Jets/Mets/Islanders/Hearts/West Ham/Udine/Nacional/Banfield. I think I’ve run out of countries. I have no opinion on Chilean soccer or the Eredivisie. Although Ajax has a cool name.

48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? I would never do that to people I love. If I was ticked off at them, then maybe “Sussudio” by Phil Collins.

49. What were you doing at 12 AM? Answering these fifty questions! They could’ve been pared down a bit.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Just a few more minutes.



  1. RAISINETS!?!? I was getting worried from some of your answers, but that one sealed the deal. ARE YOU OKAY??? Raisinets are the most horrid things ever, objectively speaking.

    Hey Ned Flanders. I’m happy you posted something, it’s great to ‘see’ you. I can tell you’re not the happiest camper on the block. The work thing seems to have taken a large chunk out of your soul. With this I could not relate more. If you feel like sharing any tales and/or advice, for I have been there and more, my friend, just email me. For reals.

    Meanwhile, good to hear from you. I do miss you when you’re not around. Hugs to you.

  2. I am saddened, though not surprised, at the toll that years of licorice eating have taken on your taste buds. At least tell me it’s red licorice. Red Nibs can be okay.

    To paraphrase Joey Tribbiani, what’s not to love about Raisinets? Raisins? Good. Chocolate? Good. Whatever emulsifiers and preservatives they slap on there? Gooood.

    Thanks for the support, Wry. I do appreciate it. Work is not going so well. I should try to stand up for myself as I get treated like a child and cut out of the loop for made-up reasons, but I just can’t care enough to fight it. Maybe I can make a lateral move and get away from a toxic management situation. Or maybe I can stay home with the future Rod Flanders.

    Anyway, we miss you when you’re not around too, young lady. I hope the five earths were out of this world.

  3. I agree with Ned, raisinettes are divine. Fruit and chocolate combos of all kinds are pretty much awesome. Or just fruit. Or just chocolate.

    Is Rod going to be gay as well?

    And yes, work sucks. We should all move to Europe and get paid ridiculous sums of money to be unemployed.

  4. Thank you for the Raisinets back-up, Craig. I agree that all fruit should be ideally consumed covered in chocolate. That’s not what you said? Well, then I will say it.

    With a name like Rod, it would be a shame if he weren’t. But that’s up to nature.

    I shouldn’t compain, because at least it’s indoors, I have a chair, and most of the time it’s climate controlled. I’ll just have to keep not getting fired for as long as possible. It stinks knowing that if the word comes down from above to save some money, there’s a cardboard box and a security escort with my name on it.

  5. Well, see, fruit and chocolate is where this whole thing went wrong to start with. And then raisins — RAISINS — were tragically considered fruit and added into the mix.

    Fruit and chocolate do not belong together. C’est tout.

    Also, what was the crack about being unemployed in Europe? Just a coinkydink or actually aimed at moi…?

    Ned, ya big awesome lug you, if you are fired from that job, SERIOUSLY they don’t deserve you. I mean that.

  6. I didn’t even know you lived in Europe, wry. I was not making a joke at your expense. In fact, I am myself very much a Europhile, having lived there for 2.5 years.

    I must disagree vehemently with you though on the chocolate/fruit thing. They belong together like two male penguins raising an egg together. I think the problem is more your apparent vendetta against deliciously flavour-concentrated dessicated fruits, than some mismatch of chocolate and fruit. Are you also against prunes? If so, I am very sorry for you. And while I’ve never had a chocolate covered dried prune, I’m sure it would be amazingly delectable.

    And Ned, I’m sure you could do some gay-positive nurturing that might awaken something nature stuck in him. (Because all men are at least a little gay 😉 And yeah, with a name like Rod, he’s sure to end up as a gay porn star.

  7. Craig, you made me lawl with your boy penguins/egg comment. Noice. (I *sorta* live in Europe…Switzerland. A land unto itself. And also, I’m not strictly unemployed as such either. I like to play thin-skinned and bitchy sometimes…and at other times, I just am.)

    I do like prunes, but not anywhere near chocolate.

    Hi Ned! Do drop by your blog to chat every now and then, won’t you? 😉

  8. Wry, I’m here, I’m here!

    I was enjoying the back and forth between you and Craig, and have noted that both of you have adopted my posting schedule on your respective blogs.

    In good news, I got a haircut, was sort of taken off probation at work, and my cat seems to be going fine after getting a shot of antibiotics.

    Everytime you mention the CH, Wry, I can’t help but think about Homer Simpson running around the “Land of Chocolate.” I would link to a clip, but apparently Fox uncooly doesn’t allow them on YouTube.

    You’re on your own with the prunes, Craig, until they figure out how to cover them in chocolate and sell them in movie candy boxes.

  9. Thanks wry. Yeah, le Suisse is only party Europe, kinda like the UK, I think, only the UK is surrounded by water, and die Schweiz is surrounded by mountains. (I’m just making shit up, but it sounded good, didn’t it?)

    I must admit to never having had prunes with chocolate, but in my mind, it tastes delicious, especially with bittersweet chocolate.


    Yeah, posting hasn’t been a priority lately. Oh, and I’m not sure if you caught the last few comments on my blog (my most recent post, as of right now), but it turns out they were made by some members of my family – I’m not exactly sure who it was, but I think it was a couple of my uncles on my dad’s side. Oh so classy. I’ll be posting about it soon.

    And yes, I love that episode.

  10. I had missed the last few comments on your blog, Craig. I’m sorry. I’m not sure what it is about Mormonism that makes people so invested in policing the beliefs and actions of others. I suspect it’s insecurity. Why do we have to say “I know this is the true church” over and over again? To convince ourselves that this massive timesuck and guilt machine is worth it.

    It obviously isn’t. Just be glad you’re not the one harassing distant family members on the internet to convince yourself. We are the lucky ones.

  11. Holy shit, Craig…you made me look. Those are some yukky mormon trolls you have, I am very sorry if they are also members of your family.

    My favourite passive-aggressive (ie, classic mormon) move was when Anonymous (or was it Anonymous2, I always get those two mixed up) pointed out that they ALMOST used the word “sin” instead of “lifestyle choice.” (Like the latter is so much better lol.) Luckily they let you know about that in parentheses so you could know how generous and righteously self-controlled they are.

  12. Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny too. Although I’d say it’s more like “self-righteous” than “righteously self-controlled”. And it was anon 2.

    My parents are at a family reunion (I wasn’t invited) in Canada with all of those relatives. I wonder if they’re going to say anything to me when they get back, now that they’ve had their anti-gay craziness reinforced. Can’t wait for that.

  13. They didn’t invite you to the family reunion? Oh that is heartache-inducing. I’m so, so sorry. 😦

  14. Well it was a little more subtle than a blantant non-invitation. It is in Canada, far away, and obviously I could not afford to go there on my own. My parents are quite well off, and could have easily afforded it, but decided not to pay for me to go (even though they paid for my other siblings). They told me I was welcome to come if I paid for it or drove myself – knowing full well that was impossible. Ok, so I’m a little bitter about it, mostly because I really wanted to see some of my cousins again, and haven’t seen them for 2 years. I think they didn’t want the rest of my family to find out about all of this, and now they all know, no thanks to my parents trying to keep it hidden.

    Anyways, this isn’t really the place for this conversation, sorry Ned.

  15. Craig– There is no wrong place for this conversation. I’m really sorry, too. I can’t believe you got the non-vite. It’s like the Seinfeld backwards episode–“Yeah, right, like I’m going to India.” We should have raised money for you to go to spite them.

    Spite is my favorite emotion. I’m just sorry that it’s justified in this case. Someday, they’ll wake up and feel really bad for all this. Not that it’s any consolation, but still.

  16. I really hope that they some day feel bad about their behaviour, but Mormons have an amazing way of ignoring reality and sticking true to their “morals” despite not having a single logical reason to do so.

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